It seems like I'm experiencing quite a lot of dramatic mood changes lately. this is FAR from being some Scene shit, ayt?!.. I mean it. And I'm also trying to pull myself in writing stuffs without any help of intoxication so, here.

Right, let's talk a bit about this incorrigible habit that bothers me right now. My mind's about to explode trying to think of something that could get my ass drunk. This could be the major reason why I'm having some sort of mood swings recently. It's probably because of my impetuous decision of forcing my way out of a treacherous habit which is what we call 'the evil binge drinking'.

it would be a remarkable change if I could do something extreme or some sort of drastic measure just to put an end to this. Somehow, I feel that i'm pretty close to it but one of the hindrance that keeps me from drinkin is the constant mood changing thing. I'm not entirely sure bout this but it may have something to do with me, trying to lessen things up with sudden haste. perhaps because it invokes a similar effect as that which happens when a spoiled brat wants something and ends up getting nothing in the end, then what would you expect? y'know what I'm saying?.

And these are some bad stuffs that causes me to intoxicate myself

1. being pessimistic about certain stuffs
2. too stressed and fucked up from work.
3. having a senseless argument with a significant someone knowing the fact that every word that comes out from my mouth would be a start of a new argument. stupid..
4. Dad's mouth with a little twist of sarcasm
5. If someone cracked a corny joke and whistles (which is not that bad)
6. When alcohol is chasing after me, especially during pay days! > haha

and lot's more...


It's practically as dumb as arguing with yourself in the mirror and you know it in your goddamn thick head that you can't win because the evil reflection of your true self is taking over your system. Yeah, I know that everything is just a matter of thinking and self-control or it's mere psychological but y'all know what I mean.. it's just soo fucking hard NOT to crave for liquor especially when you're all fucked up with some shit that randomly occurs in the process of living or loving someone.

well, at least when I started this thing when I was 15, I was matured enough to think about those consequences of this binge habit which is inevitable like the recent cardiomyopathy that I'm dealing with. let's face it, It's already there, raising a big sign that says 'h-a-l-t'. And now I'm still too dumb to realize that good things can also happen when you're not under the influence of alcohol so WHAT the hell should I do next?! for cryin' out loud!!. I'm almost on the verge of quitting but people could notice my sudden mood swings. oh my God. It's really because of this compulsive disorder which I have mentioned before. It makes you think about something soo much and it's hard not to think about it at all unless you're reducing brain cells via 'tight joints' hahaha!.

It's probably better if I rehabilitate my self or maybe I should see a professional substance abuse counselor that is formidable enough to come up with an awesome explanation or behavioral analysis. being dormant or quiescent may help but this won't improve my social life, however, it's most likely to be an efficient way of getting rid of the compulsive disorder because everything is different when you're stuck in bed, dozing off.

valiums anyone?.